The Waiting Game

If you ask me in two months, I will probably tell you that the nerves and feeling of impending doom as surgery draws closer is the worst part of this process and a month after that, I’ll tell you that the recovery is the worst part, but for right now the WAITING is the worst.  I am two months and 10 days away from surgery and it feels like a lifetime. There have been days where I feel like calling my doctor and seeing if we can move up the surgery, but I know that’s not possible.  Multiple people who have already gone through this say that the waiting is, by far, the most difficult part and I believe it.  I will admit, my greatest fear is that something will show up in the breast tissue before we have a chance to take it out.  I have talked to women where this has happened to them so it is a very real fear.  Unfortunately, I don’t know the earliest age of onset out of the six women who were treated for breast cancer in my biological family, so this is one big guessing game for me.  I also have to wait until November for my total hysterectomy and that isn’t even on my radar yet.  I am trying to be comforted in knowing that, within the medical history I do have, there were no reported cases of ovarian cancer in the family.  At this point in the journey, you just have to hang tight, enjoy your normal, daily life while you can and hope for the best.

While I wait, I am trying to keep myself busy.  My mom helped me send in a petition to the state of New York to release my original birth certificate that lists my biological parents’ names.  So, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to finding out where I came from.  It is scary and exciting all at the same time.  I am learning French to prepare for our trip to Paris in November and I must say I feel so bad for anyone that has to listen to me once we’re there because I am going to butcher this beautiful language.  I stare at photos of Paris and imagine what it will be like to finally go there.  I think having that trip to look forward to will get me through recovery too.  Finally, I am starting to put lists together of what I need at the hospital and at home while I am recovering.  My husband has also been most helpful with coming up with ideas of what I can do once I am stuck in bed.  He seems intent on making me a gamer but I am not confident that he will be successful.  I can’t decide if I am dreading being stuck doing nothing or if I will welcome the break.  Something tells me having incisions and implants stretching my pectoral muscles will not be my idea of fun.

I think that’s all for now.  Once I start buying things and getting organized I’ll post a full list of what I will have with me.  If you’re preparing for surgery too, you probably already know that this waiting sucks.  My advice is keep yourself busy and savor the little things that seem so trivial before your life gets turned upside down.

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